WHAT’S YOUR STYLE?
I decided to write this comment in response to a translation project I did which was rejected because, while it was generally correct and articulate, it just didn’t have the desired “marketing ring” to it. So I got the style wrong? I have a thing or two to say about that.
The translation project in question was a load of short tourism marketing articles from German to English. Each of them basically described a certain area and a certain accommodation place. Here’s the original and my translation of one of them now:
Etwa 13 Kilometer nordöstlich von Des Moines entfernt, liegt das Hotel in der Stadt Ankeny im US-Bundesstaat Iowa. In einem Radius von 12 Kilometer befinden sich diverse Golfanlagen, die leidenschaftliche Golfspieler vor die Qual der Wahl stellen. Im Greater Des Moines Botanical Garden (14 km) winkt Erholung inmitten prächtiger Vegetation.
Mit seinem Angebot an Tagungs- und Freizeiteinrichtungen ist das Hotel Hampton Inn & Suites Ankeny ideal auf die Bedürfnisse von Privat- und Geschäftsreisenden zugeschnitten. In den gemütlichen, wohnlich eingerichteten Zimmern und Suiten finden Sie einen atmosphärischen Rückzugsort vom Alltagstrubel. Wie wäre es mit einem wohltuenden Bad im hoteleigenen Whirlpool?
My translation:
The hotel is located in the town of Ankeny in the American State of Iowa, some 13 km North-East of Des Moines. There are various golf courses located within a 12 km radius, which leave golf lovers spoilt for choice. The Greater Des Moines Botanical Garden (14 km) beckons relaxation within lush vegetation.
With its offer of meeting and recreational facilities, the Hotel Hampton Inn & Suites Ankeny is ideally suited to the needs of private and business travellers. In the cosy, comfortably furnished rooms and suites you will find an atmospheric retreat from everyday hustle and bustle. How about a relaxing bath in the hotel’s jacuzzi?
Now, for whatever reason, the client preferred to reject that; and I have trouble agreeing that it is in any way “wrong” in real terms. What is style anyway?
If they have any, I have compared the styles of Girls Aloud and the Saturdays, as I perceive them. For ages I have agreed that Girls Aloud and the Saturdays, while both girl groups with 5 members whose fans are generally (but no way exclusively!) those under 30, have “different styles”. “Is it their music?”, I hear some of you say. “Or their image? What?” Here’s what I’m talking about: Girls Aloud tend to be more dance and thrill energy pop, and more “girl next door” types than the Saturdays. Notably sexy girl next door types, I agree, but girl next door types which most people will feel comfortable around however much they agree that they are “out of their league” in the typical social hierarchy. The Saturdays, on the other hand, strike me as being outright determined to be sharp and sassy, if you will, and more willing to tacitly dismiss anyone not socially prominent enough for their tastes, which would include being too timid and / or endearing over sharp and hot.
And that’s normally what my idea of “style” is. But what about “style” as a (mostly likely inconsistent) concept in translation? I’ve basically been left thinking that the style I used in this translation was too, shall we say, formal – at least, the kind of style that’s great for explaining things in plain and unbiased terms which are definitely articulate (like James Berardinelli’s film reviews), but it just lacks any edge or spark punch such as you expect in marketing / advertising material. All I’m saying is that it was likely too much like a report, or a textbook article or a periodical entry, when it was supposed to be more alluring. If that was the case, stop and try to imagine how depressing it was for me to be called “unprofessional” for making that mistake. I believe that it was probably “too A rather than B” – to understand what I mean by that, see these two specimens:
A: “The Rose Hotel offers its guests a total of 50 comfortable rooms whose facilities include free Wi-fi, a safe and a trouser press as well as a TV. Those who stay here can look forward to a delicious breakfast buffet in the morning and a fine hot evening meal.
B: “At the Rose Hotel you can expect a comfortable room which has not only a TV but also free Wi-fi, a safe and a trouser press. When you wake up there will be a delicious breakfast buffet waiting for you, we’ll also cook up a fine hot evening for you in the evening.”
I’m guessing that I wanted to make a point of it being anything but trying to be edgy / “have spark” in a flippant way, like:
C: “Rose Hotel – this place has 50 comfortable rooms! They’ve all got TVs but it’s not just that – free Wi-fi? Sorted! A safe? Bob’s your uncle. A trouser press? Damn right! Don’t forget that delicious breakfast buffet in the morning, and you’ve got to try one of our fine hot evening meals!”
I would find it easy to say that commitment to a style is to be regarded as a means of asserting who one is. And why not? Consider this quote from “The Bourne Identity”: when Bourne and the girl are at that family’s house somewhere in France, there’s a bit where he says, “I don’t want to know who I am anymore.” If you don’t know who you should be despite having good reasons to be proud of yourself, consider the idea: …be someone! DON’T be no-one! I think even Tyler Durden would give credence to that idea. …Or would he? Have you ever felt like assertion of yourself would be in vain? Who could deny that sometimes having style is some sort of definition or representation of something that you do (actually resolve to do) – a faith in what you think it should be, and not just for selfishness-oriented ends?
What about the Tower of Babel? Why would God destroy our language (especially as He is supposed to love us)? Maybe some things, whatever they “are” or are simply meant to be – including really important things, paradoxically enough – are best learned straight up without them being explained by some sort of source of absolute authority. I remember Pat Condell’s video “Absolute Certainty” – which was the first one I ever watched. Also, NB The lesson of “Go God Go” in South Park (something like “no one answer is ever the answer” and about isms).
Endpoint: I’m sure that “proper” language styles and “improper” ones abound everywhere (just as you are, am I right?). And with improper ones you get made up expressions, like this one: in the Muslamic Ray Guns video
there’s a point where he says, “They’re trying to ‘get their law over’ our country” (0:42). Now, I regard the “get… over” bit as a somewhat made up, non-standard expression, however clear what he meant by it is. But could expressions of this kind be recreated in other languages? Hell, I created “neppas”, the French version of the English non-word “innit”, so why not? In French I would translate that sentence as, “Ils essaient de faire avoir leur loi au-dessus de notre pays.” Isn’t the same meaning clear enough in French? Try asking someone whose mother tongue is French. I bet it is. Aren’t I clever?