Throughout history professional translators have been called on to provide different language
versions of all kinds of things – including works of art, with which there can be… let’s say,
quite unique challenges. It’s even been done with poetry to a certain extent. This sort of thing
quickly arouses my interest. Indeed, I have written an article about translation of the “To be
or not be speech” in the past. And I’ve composed (rhyming) translations for certain popular
lyrics.
Trust me, in all humility, with my experience in the work I do, I have come to appreciate that
mere thoughts can sometimes have as much of an impact in reality as actual actions,
sometimes even more so. Certainly as far as translation is concerned. In this context, I talk
first and foremost from the angle of the debate of getting translation right (for that is what
being a professional translator is all about, right?), but for me there is a palpable sense of
urgency that I should do my bit to help ensure that this will be known by the masses.
But no less imperative is this point: over time I have become more and more familiar with my
own limitations as a linguist, and as such, right here I will concede, with no hard feelings,
that there are some things I will never translate. Like what, you may ask? Well, off the bat: I
think of Andrew Huang, having posted links to a couple of his YouTube videos on my
Twitter feed years ago, but these are, sadly, no longer visible (although I still have them in
my own records). In one of these videos he showed successful accomplishment of the
challenge of doing a rap without the letter E – and another one in which he did a rap in which
E was the only vowel he used! That along with this fine “alphabet rap” masterpiece:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=duAcSVVqudc I’m not even going to try to write French
or German translations of these in which the same principle/rule remains observed!
This same guy, Andrew Huang, also wrote a rap in five languages (English, French, Spanish,
Swedish and Mandarin) in which he switches from one to another as he raps. I myself don’t
speak that many languages so well – you’ve got to give him credit!
Then there’s Dan Bull’s amazing homophone raps about the computer games The Crew and
The Crew 2, which you can view on YouTube (I’ve already mentioned this in a tweet).
Finally, I would also not bother trying to write a foreign language version of this: a nonsense
poem which could probably actually be the basis of a fun way of teaching elocution. A 30-
line poem which calls for very precise pronunciation of the words on the end of each line.
After all, "Paris" and "wasn't Q" definitely do not rhyme well! (By the way, I wrote this.)
I sat next to Rachael Leigh Cook on a bus in Paris.
The first thing that she said to me was, "Look how that man carries
His suitcases!" I looked — then said, "Would you like some carrots?"
She said, "No thanks". Then I said, "I'm going to Harrods".
We got off at the same place and met a guy with parrots
Who started trying to convince us he had psychic powers.
We did not believe him. Then he tried to sell us flowers.
I bought some before there stampeded by a herd of cows.
When I re-met Rachael later I said to her "How was
Your day?" Quick as a flash she responded, "I was
Enjoying a cup of coffee with a friend called Iris

When I noticed by chance that she had bloodshot eyes.
Then there was a blackout caused by some faulty wires…
How about you?" I replied, "I saw some punctured tyres
On not one, not two, not three, not four, but, yes, five cars.
Then I read in this magazine there's proof of life on Mars
But it's so unconvincing it's a catastrophic farce".
The next thing that I said to her was, "Rachael, may I ask
When your birthday is?", while I was getting out a flask
Of orange juice. She said, "October 4 — you wearing musk?"
I was like, "Indeed I am", then showed her this mollusc
She said, "that's great, but look at this" and then showed me this tusk
Of an elephant. We then befriended a busker.
He said he had a Japanese girlfriend whose name was Asuka
And that they'd known each other since before the Dunblane massacre.
He offered us some chewing gum but we both said, "no that's OK".
He then said he knew locksmithing and even showed us a key.
Then he started dancing in a style that was cossack-y.
There then walked by a sensei in a suit that was a gI
Who stated that, in the James Bond series, Pierce Brosnan wasn't Q.