HOW SHOULD I HAVE “TRANSLATED” THIS?

Have you read and understood the title? Good. Well, welcome to probably the silliest online
article ever written. Even if you’re the kind of person who would originally be highly amused
by it (as I used to be in earlier years), chances are you will quickly get bored of it and / or
frustrated by it in your determination to “make sense” of it – arrive at meaningful conclusions
related to it.

All I really did was “translate” this “poem” Ode To A Spell Checker (Jerrold H Zar) into
French and German
Eye halve a spelling check her,
It came with my pea sea.
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye kin knot sea.
Eye ran this poem threw it,
Your sure reel glad two no.
Its vary polished in it’s weigh,
My checker tolled me sew.
A check her is a bless sing;
It freeze yew lodes of thyme.
It helps me right awl stiles two reed,
And aides me when aye rime.
Each frays come posed up on my screen,
Eye trussed too bee a joule;
The checker pours o’er every word
To cheque sum spelling rule.
Bee fore wee rote with checkers
Hour spelling was inn deck line,
Butt now when wee dew have a laps,
Wee are knot maid too wine.
Butt now bee cause my spelling
Is checked with such grate flare,
There are know faults with in my cite,
Of nun eye am a wear.
Now spelling does knot phase me,
It does knot bring a tier;
My pay purrs awl due glad den
With wrapped words fare as hear.
To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should be proud;
And we mussed dew the best wee can
Sew flaws are knot aloud.

That’s why eye brake in two averse
Cuz eye dew want too please.
Sow glad eye yam that aye did bye
This soft wear four pea seas.
…just to see how lucid I could be about the challenges (at least, such as I would interpret
them as) doing so. (What, you would prefer confiding in a machine translator to do this?) I
provide this link to corroborate that I think of this as an “Ig Nobel Price” thing.
https://theconversation.com/rhinos-scientists-are-hanging-them-upside-down-from-
helicopters-heres-why-167832
By the way, before I move onto the next bit, I probably should admit that, when I first read
this poem, there actually were some points in it where even I, with all my education and
literacy level, just couldn’t “get it” straight away; let me write it properly spelled to dispel
any doubts:

I have a spelling checker
It came with my PC
It plainly marks for my review
Mistakes I cannot see.
I ran this poem through it,
You’re sure real glad to know.
It’s very polished in its way
My checker told me so.
A checker is a blessing;
It frees you loads of time.
It helps me write all styles to read,
And aids me when I rhyme.
Each phrase composed upon my screen
I trust to be a jewel;
The checker pores o’er ever word
To check some spelling rule.
Before we wrote with checkers
Our spelling was in decline,
But now when we do have a lapse,
We are not made to whine.
But now because my spelling
Is checked with such great flair,
There are no faults within my sight,
Of none I am aware.
Now spelling does not faze me,
It does not bring a tear;
My papers all do gladden

With rapt words fair as here.
To write with care is quite a feat
Of which one should be proud;
And we must do the best we can
So flaws are not aloud.
That’s why I break in two a verse
‘Cause I do want to please.
So glad I am that I did by
This software for PCs.

Now… call it a generalisation but you could say I just did what seemed best, sometimes
changing the word order here and there, among other things. You know, you can’t make
sense of the original version of this poem without reading it to yourself in your head, but I’m
more preoccupied with the question of how well a speaker of French or German fluent in
English could decipher my own French or German version of this poem and (eventually) get
there, even if it means having to go over individual words one by one. Yes, that’s what this
whole thing is all about: how close could I get to enabling a French or German speaker to
“translate” my own French or German translation of this thing, whatever it may be, back to
the original, before (possibly) proceeding to actually start making sense of it all? With each
of these “translations” I have commented on certain bits as I deemed appropriate. Now, at the
risk of sounding sarcastic, enjoy:

FRENCH VERSION

Oeil demi un la vérifie d’orthographe*1
Il est venu avec ma mer de petits pois.
Il marque avion-côté sous le vent-ant quatre ma revue
Mademoiselle biftecks toujours*2 proche*3 noeud mer.
Oeil couru ce poème le jeté*4,
Votre bobine sûre*5 content deux non.
Son varier poli*6 en il est peser,
Mon vérificateur m'a sonné coudre.
Un la vérifie est un bénir chanter;
Il geler if filons de thym.
Il m’aide droit poinçon montants*7 deux roseau,
Et aides me quand toujours rime.
Chacun s'effiloche venu posé sur*8 mon écran,
Oeil ligoté trop abeille un joule;
Le vérificateur verse sur chaque mot*9
À cheque*10 somme règle d'orthographe.
Abeille avant pipi par cœur avec vérificateurs
Heure orthographe était auberge ligne de pont,
Bout maintenant quand pipi rosée avoir un tours*11,
Pipi sommes*12 noeud femme de ménage trop vin.

Bout maintenant abeille cause mon orthographe
Est vérifié avec quel grille éclater*13,
Il y a savoir fautes avec en mon citer,
De bonne sœur oeil suis un porter*14.
Maintenant l’orthographe*15 fait noeud*16 me phase,
Il fait noeud apporter un niveau*17,
Mon payer ronronne poinçon dû tanière contente
Avec mots enveloppés tarif comme entendre.
À rite*18 avec souci est tout un pieds
De sorcière gagné devrait être fier;
Et nous avons ébouriffé*19 rosée le meilleur que pipi pouvions*20
Coudre défauts ne soient noeud à haute voix*21.
Ca c’est pourquoi oeil frein en deux détesté
Car*22 oeil rosée veux trop plaire.
Semer content oeil igname que toujours fait au revoir
Ce douce porter quatre mers de petits pois.
1-First occasion of changed word order.
2-This one will likely confuse people. Only Scottish people say “aye”, surely. Or maybe it’s
an old word? I don’t know.
3-Another one. During this exercise I actually forgot having written this word for “kin” – I
would normally use this word for “close”, and that’s a noun whereas “close” is an adjective.
4-I changed the word order here because: whoever heard of a French sentence ending in a
definite pronoun? And while it is common for something to be thrown, the accusative in this
sentence i.e. the poem, is non-existent, because “through” is not a verb. That will likely cause
confusion.
5-Yes, I know it’s “real” spelled improperly.
6-I will mention that I accept that “varier” looks like a glaring French spelling mistake here
(which reminds me of the Omar Raddad affair).
7-Make a note that this is a plural noun – at least, I’m not used to French adjective or verb
endings with “ant” followed by “s”.
8-Don’t be misled by this bit which actually kind of works: in the original it should be
“composed up” not “come posed up”.
9-“Pores”, not “pours” over every word, even though both are verbs.
10-This is the sort of thing I was really getting at at the beginning. In English, “check” (the
proper spelling in the original at this point) is a verb, but “cheque” is a noun, which means
that in French the translation of “To”, a conjunction leading on from the previous line)
changes from “pour” or “afin de” etc. to “À”.
11-A bit very likely to cause confusion, this is a translation of “laps”, which is plural, but
“tours” in French does have some noun translations which are (or can be) singular.
12-“Wee are”. (OK, that did sound immature. Sorry.) But I’m surprised “are” wasn’t “our”.
13-Should I have translated “flare” as the verb or as the noun? Maybe I should have gone for
the noun?
14-I seemed to have developed a habit of applying verbs in these illiterate “translations” in
their infinitive form – it just seemed easier than considering whether it would be “better” to
use e.g. first person singular conjugated form or whatever.

15-Note the definite article where there is none in English. Even in something like this,
correct and rule-following language plays a role.
16-This is the only way I can “translate” “does knot”.
17-I would normally translate “niveau” as “level” – a “tier” always comes in three “bits”,
right? But I just didn’t know what else to put that would have been “better”.
18-Again, with “to write” changed to “to rite” in the original, we have to include “À” again in
the French version since “rite” is a noun, not a verb like “write”.
19-“We mussed” in the original – not “we have mussed”. For better or worse, I decided it
best to include a proper French translation of it (if that makes sense) here, as opposed to
leaving out the “avons”, and so increase the chance of French people actually getting it.
20-“The best wee can” – a (deliberate) spelling mistake is both ignored and not ignored here
as I find myself still respecting proper French grammar to the point of writing a phrase which
uses the subjunctive.
21-Here I would have translated “so” as “pour que” followed by a subjunctive, hence
“soient” rather than “sont” just after it. I don’t think including a definitive article before
“défauts” would have made things any less confusing / frustrating to readers of this French
version of the poem. Meanwhile “noeud” stands in place of “pas” (again).
22-Amazingly, Google Translate translates the non-existent word “cuz” (for “because”) as
“car”, one of many expressions for “because” in French.
GERMAN VERSION
Auge halb einen Rechtschreibung prüfe-sie
Er ist mit meinem Erbsenmeer*1 gekommen.
Es Flugzeuglee markiert vier mein Revue
Fräuleinsteaks ja*2 Verwandtschaft Knotenmeer.
Auge rannte dieses Gedicht,*3 es geworfen
Dein sicher Spule froh*4 zwei nein.
Sein variieren*5 poliert in es ist*6 wagen,
Meiner Prüfer geläutet mir nähen.
Einer prüfe-sie*7 ist ein Segnensingen;
Es frieren Eibe Ader von Thymian.
Es hilft mir zu recht*8 Ahlezaunübertritte zwei Schilf*9,
Und Helfer mir wenn ja Raureif.
Jede franst aus*10 kommen gestellt auf an*11 meinem Bildschirm*12,
Auge gefesselt zu*13 Biene ein Joule;
Der Prüfer giesst über jedes Wort
Um Somme Rechtschreibungsregel zu Scheck*14.
Biene Vorderteil*15 Pipi rot*16 mit Prüfer
Stunde Rechtschreibung war Gasthof Decklinie*17,
Stummel*18 jetzt wenn Pipi Tau haben einen*19 Runden,
Pipi sind Knoten Dienstmädchen zu Wein.
Stummel jetzt Biene Ursache mein Rechtschreibung
Mit solchem Gitter Fackel geprüft wird,
Gibt es Wissen Fehler mit in meiner zitieren

Von Nonne Auge bin ein tragen.
Jetzt Phase die*20 Rechtschreibung mir Knoten,
Es bringt ein Stufe Knoten;
Mein zahlen schnurrt Ahle fällig frohe Höhle
Mit eingewickelten Wörtern Fahrpreis wie hören.
Mit Pflege zu Ritus ist eher ein Füße
Von Hexe gewonnen stolz sein sollte;
Und wir in Unordnung gebracht*21 Tau das Beste Pipi können
Nähen Mängel nicht laut werden.
Das ist, warum Auge Bremse in zwei abgeneigt
Denn Auge Tau zu-gefallen*22 will,
Säen*23 froh Auge Yamswurzel dass ja gemacht Wiedersehen
Dieses sanft tragen vier Erbsenmeere.
1-I’m just wondering: would anyone (German or not, I suppose) be more likely to translate
this as “pea sea” or “sea of peas”? The mind boggles.
2-“Ja” is nearly always translated as “yes” in English (certainly on its own); but “aye” is very
Scottish, just like I said with the French one.
3-I probably shouldn’t have put this punctuation mark in where there wasn’t one in the
original! What are the odds of that making it harder for any native German speaker trying to
“make sense” of this?
4-Admittedly, I would normally translate this as “happy”; but who could blame native
German speakers for failing to understand that this is a valid translation of a word in the
original that is what it wants to be in that it’s spelled correctly?
5-I hope not too many German speakers would insist on translating infinitives with “to”
followed by the verb in English, and not just the verb itself.
6-Once again I’ve been forced to translate a single word from the English version with more
than one in these “translated” versions. I’m just pretending I can make something
understandable here, aren’t I? But if I were trying to do that in actual work for my clients
without even realising it… that would be a real problem.
7-Another thing that makes it all the harder: individual words in the poem are in fact not
always deliberately spelled incorrectly, inconsistently in the same way – indeed, in the last
line, in the English version, “checker” is actually spelled correctly!
8-In the original, at this point, “right” is wrongly spelled in that it should be “write”. Even
though there is no “to” before the word “right” – as there is in this German version, to make it
easier for Germans – there might as well be.
9-The German version glaringly features a number two followed by a noun in the singular. If
this wouldn’t encourage a native German speaker to read it differently – the “proper way” –
well, what would?
10-Third person singular present for “ausfransen”. Google Translate only knows how to
translate “fray” the noun into “Kampf” and “Schlägerei”, and how many Germans would ever
think to translate either of these “German” words as “fray”? To make matters all the more
confusing: in my experience, “fray” is hardly ever used in English.
11-Two prepositions which usually mean “on” in some way, shape or form in German.
12-Only at the end of this line did I become aware of how true it is that the number of words /
syllables in each line in these “translations” is likely to be (very, very) inconsistent!

13-It gets worse / crazier. In German, “zu” can mean both “too” (excessively) and “to” when
used with the infinitive of a verb!
14-I’ve deviated from the single word by single word policy considerably in this line. I try to
avoid otherwise intelligent but incorrect “translating” of the English version on the part of
native German speakers, but there is simply no clear cut straightforward way of doing this!
15-Just “fore”, not “fore part”, but myself, normally I would seldom think to translate it as
just the former.
16-I didn’t know what “rote” was in German, but all Google Translate could suggest was
“rot”, which is normally German for “red”. Why?
17-In case you’re wondering, that is such a thing as a “deck line” – I Googled it. Just don’t
forget that, in the original, it should actually be a single word, properly spelled “decline”.
18-I really had to think what to put for this. Not only did I grow up learning that “Popo” was
the German word for “bum” or “botty”, but “butt” doesn’t mean only the rear end of a
person, in which case it can be tempting to say “bum” or “botty” (but let’s remain mature) or
just as tempting to say “arse”, which is, of course, vulgar (again, let’s remain mature).
“Stummel” can be translated as “stub”, “butt”, “stump”, “end” or “dock” in English,
according to Google Translate.
19-The “main” word for “lapse” in German as far as I’m aware is “Ablauf”, which is
masculine, hence the suffix with ein- I chose here, even though “laps”, which is plural, is
represented by “Runden” – that would be feminine. All plurals in German are feminine.
20-In this line, the word “does” is not translated – that’s a first.
21-The only way I could write the single word “mussed” in the original was with these three
words in the German translation! Predictably, it just resulted in word salad.
22-How I dealt with “too please” – ironically, “zu” can mean both “too” (excessively) and
“to” with infinitives of verbs. But I think most Germans will read this and only think
“zugefallen” – which means to please just like “fallen” on its own – while the “too” bit just
gets lost.
23-God, I nearly wrote “Sau”, meaning “sow” as in female pig, but that’s not pronounced the
same way as “so”!